7 Deadly Habits of External Control
This is based in Choice Theory by Dr. William Glasser. Specific information is from his book “Warning: Psychiatry Can Be Hazardous To Your Health” (this is one of my favorite books he’s written)
Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Rewarding to Control
Want to create dysfunction in your relationship? Just look above to see some of the main culprits. Dr. Glasser has many books about choice theory and how to improve your relationship by applying his methods to create a healthy, loving relationship. In this article, I’m going to highlight Dr. Glasser’s alternatives to the 7 deadly habits. These are:
Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating Differences
1. Supporting
Support means standing beside your partner, not above them. It’s about helping them become the best version of themselves, not the version you want them to be. Supportive partners offer encouragement without control. They listen to goals, offer help when asked (only when ASKED), and believe in each other’s ability to grow.
2. Encouraging
Encouragement is about focusing on effort and progress, not perfection. It fosters motivation through affirmation rather than pressure. When couples encourage each other, they create emotional safety, a space where vulnerability is met with kindness, not criticism.
3. Listening
Truly listening means putting aside your agenda and focusing on understanding your partner’s world. It’s not about waiting for your turn to respond, it’s about connection. Active listening reduces defensiveness and opens the door to empathy, which is essential for conflict resolution and closeness.
4. Accepting
Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement; it means acknowledging your partner as a separate, unique person with their own thoughts, feelings, and choices. When couples practice acceptance, they stop trying to “fix” each other and start appreciating differences as part of what makes the relationship dynamic.
5. Trusting
Trust is the foundation of emotional security. Without it, every disagreement can feel like a threat. With it, couples can face challenges together without fear of betrayal or rejection. Trust grows through consistent honesty, reliability, and emotional openness.
Transparency is key: would you rather suffer the consequence of concealment or confession?
6. Respecting
Respect is treating your partner as an equal; valuing their opinions, boundaries, and individuality. It’s impossible to love someone fully if you don’t respect who they are. Respect also means speaking kindly, even during conflict, and never using contempt or humiliation as a weapon.
Respect is defined as: a feeling of deep admiration for someone, or holding them in high regard.
7. Negotiating Differences
No two people see the world the same way. Healthy relationships aren’t about erasing differences but managing them respectfully. Negotiation means finding common ground, where both partners feel heard and both needs matter.
Compromise, compromise, compromise. If one person wins, they other person loses. In a relationship, that means you both lose.
When couples practice Glasser’s Caring Habits, they move away from control and toward cooperation. Instead of trying to make your partner change, you focus on building a relationship that invites change through love, respect, and understanding.
Small shifts in daily interactions: listening instead of criticizing, encouraging instead of blaming, can transform the emotional climate of your relationship.
If your relationship feels stuck in cycles of the 7 deadly habits of control, therapy can help you learn and apply these new, healthier choices in real life. At Austin Couples Counseling, we help couples break free from control-based patterns and rebuild trust and connection through practical, evidence-based strategies.